my dad is very cute. he unwittingly does the most endearing things that make me smile. like for breakfast. theres a philly cheesesteak in the fridge. so he makes some scrambled eggs and puts them inside and suddenly its a breakfast sandwich! i thought it was hilarious. and very delicious.

also im not sure if jen or sandy will ever read this, but i loved receiving their birthday cards in the mail. i feel like i havent received a birthday card by snail mail since i was a child and i felt SO special. they absolutely made my day. and made me miss san diego with an ache. so thank you, beautiful friends. :)

i guess ive sort of been needing reasons to smile lately. it feels awful to be so self indulgent amidst these posts about not being self indulgent, but its true. recently ive been in a funk, probably because im going through some growing pains, as tori calls them. i just chug on the daily grind, half wishing i could be back in college, half wishing i could fast forward a couple years to doing what i really love. also, i suppose my heart has seen better days. it doesnt feel broken.. but maybe bruised.

im glad it rained today. i like to let the raindrops run down the windshield. the wipers are so harsh with them.

oh yeah, and i’m 23! can you believe i actually forgot my age and have been telling people i’m 23 for months. so fatalistic of me. i actually had a great time the day of wine-tasting in temecula. so thank you friends who went with me :)

it is hard to be at work right now when i really just want to be halfway around the world with the earthquake victims. i’m reading all these stories in the paper and feeling completely small and helpless.

ordinarily i think its really hard for me, maybe for all of us who live in our beautifully manicured suburban bubble, to look past the numbers and the media and see the people we are called to love. i dont think i ever really do. because if i did, i wouldnt be sitting here in my 9-5 thinking about what im gonna eat for lunch. and i always ask my heart WHY are you so cold and hard. i would pore over these stories trying to get myself to feel something and i just can’t.

but this time its a little different. a couple months ago i made the decision to go to china this summer and ive been struggling with it throughout the entire process, before and after. with questions like, who am i to say im gonna go over there and give them a better life? isnt it terribly cultural supremacist of me to say that my way of teaching is better than yours? am i wasting people’s precious time and resources by flying my untrained self over there for a month, do some “good”, and just come home? it hurt a lot and i asked God to please just break my heart for his people and somehow teach me to love them the way i love my friends. somehow justify the reason he called me to go.

then the earthquake happened and i knew something in my heart had changed over the course of this journey. its not just a number in the tens of thousands whose spirits have just been crushed. i suddenly felt all these things–this longing to be there, not as someone with anything to offer, but as a friend. as a parent for maybe a child who lost one. as a child for a parent who lost one. and then, more importantly, i felt this urgency and i knew why i was going this summer. it hit me that these masses of people, probably good and kind people, who have never lived in luxury like me, needed to have a message of hope and love in their lives. and i dont think i have much more to offer than that, but that i can give. and in my heart God reminded me that okay crystal i’m pretty sure that’s all i asked for in the first place.

anyway it still hurts. im still small. im still helpless. but its not about me anymore.